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| (sidenote ive had this xanga for 2075 days...thats awesome)
I am at home right now so the title has just thrown you off. That's ok though, it has a different meaning for me. I'm not sick of being at home, but whenever I am at home for too long the same sickness creeps into me and I can't get rid of it, can't shake it and can't do anything about it. It's plagued me ever since I left for college and enabled myself to come back home. This has probably been the longest that I have spent away from Irvine since I started school and while I spent most of my time in australia, the significant amount of time I have spent at home has brought the "sickness" to a new level. I think I'm finally at the point where I can just let it out, there is maybe 1% chance that the intended audience for this post will actually see this, but at some point in my stay here this summer, I've realized that whether or not that audience realizes or learns what I have to say is of no consequence to me anymore, and it will not benefit or harm me. Quite simply, I never got a chance to get things off my chest because at one point, I bore the burden of a problem in it's entirety and those involved have never, ever, claimed responsibility. So here I am, recovered and well moved on from said situation but I'm left with the ashes, ashes that shouldn't be all in one place and yet they are. So this is me scattering those ashes. That said, you really needn't read further because I'm going to be very candid, and if you weren't involved you probably won't get it. I apologize if I elicit some sort of emotional response from you with what I have to say, for it is not my intention to move someone with this blog, it is simply my intention to let myself (because others would not let me) let go of a situation.
----the beginning---
At first I assumed that because I had done the biggest and stupidest thing I have ever done everything was my fault, and that I had no right to happiness, forgiveness or patience. Upon receiving such things I was at an even greater loss because I would punish myself tenfold for any kindness that was showed me. I was unsure of how I would ever be at peace with myself again, and haunted constantly by the blank canvas which was supposedly my reasoning self while I was so stupid. It took me some time to realize that I was NOT the only one at fault, and that I never let myseslf or anyone else involved truly understand what I was feeling. This was because I was scared, and I kept praying that someone would see through my defenses, someone who knew me so much better than anyone else, and would ask me what was wrong, tell me they loved me and offer me support. Instead, at the beginning of it all, I was dissappointed. He couldn't read me at all. Perhaps that's why I felt myself split into two people, perhaps that's why I had no idea what to do. Perhaps this is why I felt like I had no options, perhaps this is why words failed me. Perhaps this is why I never felt at ease enough to truly dispell those insecurities that I had. Perhaps this is why I cried myself to sleep even a year after things had gone awry. But I'll never know. I'll never know because no one bothered to talk to me afterwards.
----the service----
I am sorry for how I behaved and the many people I hurt. I am sorry for being so stupid and not realizing that I was meant to grow up and that fighting it by holding on to things I wasn't sure of was only going to hurt. I'm humbled by the fact that I know how wretched I can be. I apologized, and I have paid profusely for the pain I caused. I am sorry I trusted someone with a deep secret and they betrayed me. I am sorry I was never able to answer you with what you wanted. I AM SORRY. But I am also done with being sorry, I've my time, disproportionate to the crime.
---the ending---
After all this time I have come to realize that NOT ONCE did any of the people responsible (well perhaps the third-party victim involved) come to me to claim their share of the burden. Instead everyone placed me at the center and forced me to bear everything ON MY OWN. I tried so DAMN hard to make everything work, and I tried even harder to make ammends and for what?! To be cast aside as if I never existed? To be ignored or pitied? To be told that everything was ok now as if I had made no effort and all had just come into play by others hands? No one accepted the fact that I wasn't alone in creating the situation. NO ONE seems to share the idea that a situation such as this involves so much more than one person and that many many times things could have been prevented by MANY AND ALL of the people involved. BUT DID ANYONE GIVE A DAMN TO COME TO ME TO HELP ME!? DID ANYONE EVEN THINK TO APOLOGIZE TO ME?! No. And quite frankly, that hurts the most. It bugs me EVERYTIME I come home that I have to be in an area where so many people betrayed me, and left me on my own. Some time later and some of them see me every now and then and for the most part it's ok. But imagine how I feel, completley cut off because of one mistake. A mistake that was (as I have previously explained) not entirely my fault. So here it is, my last word because no one else seemed to give a damn that I might need so closure.
I hate how I was treated by the one I hurt, sure I inflicted damage so I deserved to cry but did I really have to be assaulted and my character sullied at every single turn? Did I really deserve to be ignored and scorned?? Did I really deserve to lose so many bonds?? Did I really deserve to be made to feel as if I was still stupid, hopeless and unworthy of forgiveness?? DO I REALLY DESERVE TO BE TREATED AS IF I NEVER EXISTED? I hate how all the courage I had to summon I had to find on my own, and all the things I had to work through I had to do with people who were still getting to know me and so had a hard time helping me to the degree I needed. I hate how I tried and tried and tried and it was NEVER enough for you and yet you NEVER tried for me. I always came up short and I beat myself halfway to insanity over it, and you, when did you ever accept my criticism or act like it was valid in your own eyes??
Never have I been so hurt and abused by someone I held so dear. Never have I been betrayed by so many whom I considered so close. Never have I felt more throbbing and unsubsiding pain than I did my first two years of college.
So that is on you, all of you. Even if you NEVER own up to it conciously, I know it's on your souls, and it's off mine because I've done my time.
---the epilogue---
Here I am today, far happier than I ever thought I could be and far stronger than any of YOU ever thought I could be. Lonelier at times, yes, but by God's blessings much more content. The biggest blessing of all, is that I am at peace with what I did and it no longer pains me. I no longer need your apologies, nor do I need your acceptance because I learned how to be strong without your half-committed loyalties. I am a bigger and better version of the weak willed person I was before and you would not BELIEVE the personal torment I forced myself to endure in order to get to where I am today. You'll probably never realize that you never paid for what you did, and perhaps, if I'm right, that means that at least one part of you will never truly grow up. Goodluck with that. If the future holds something bright and shiny, I hope it reflects back at you so that you don't have to see me lurking in the shadow behind your reflection. Stay blinded by the pretty and wonderful things you've built up for yourself, I hope that if you ever realize what that glare is hiding you'll be strong enough to overcome it but other than that I have nothing left for you. I am emptier for this is one of the only exchanges I ahve amde in my life where I did not receive something of equal value in return, so I am owed, but that's ok. I am patient and life can be kind to those who know when to wait.
and now...let it be done.
<3bam
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| very rarely am i ever completely sad about my current situation... this is one of those rare days. God give me the strength to know it'll be ok again....and to calm my soul cause right now it's in uproar. <3bam | | |
| i miss him. but i'm happy.
happy because I know that my one person is someone amazing. You know who I mean. That one person whose voice is all you need to calm down. That one person who gives the best hugs. The one person you know you couldn't live without. The one person who maintains your sanity. The one person who holds the other half of your heart.
He's mine. And he's amazing. When you get everything you could ever want in a person and in your relationship with that person, you have no choice but to be happy. and I am.
"Wrap your arms around my soul, until you return..." -from a pretty song that I don't know the name of
<3bam
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| as of late these are my frustrations...
I'm frustrated with a micro-world that tolerates the marginalization of people and hides it as mere tradition.
In addition I'm frustrated with myself for my lack of commitment to my work ethic, when I was given the perfect opportunity to build upon it, I slacked off and I crucify myself publicly for this. Epic fail I suppose would be the more commonplace way of phrasing that situation.
I'm frustrated with the few people whom I've let within my boundaries who only seem to abuse the unconditional tolerance that I choose to exhibit for lack of consideration. Fine by me if you neglect my needs once or twice heck even three times, but to ignore them altogether as a policy of our relationship is getting harder and harder to accept.
and yet...I still label myself as happy.
I've found a new niche in my micro-world in which I can speak for the oppressed and not fear any consequences whatsoever, label me, hate me, discourage others from meeting me, but you can't actually say that anything I've done or said was wrong.
I've taken steps to admit that I've messed up, and feel slightly more mature for accepting blame and fault for the situation I'm in.
I've found a few others who make up for their shortcomings in other ways. They take the few things that are hurting our relationship and outweigh them with tokens of friendship (both physical and abstract) that encourage me to maintain our relationship. In short, I love my friends.
I've found someone with whom I can relate on almost all levels, and who is my definition of comfort.
My team, and my love for the team are as strong as they will ever be, and I look forward to witnessing firsthand the results/consequences of our growth tonight at auditions.
The world really isn't all that bad and this whole positivity thing could quite possibly be one of the best investments I've made.
Bring on the challenges, and bring on the change. I feel my motivation returning to me. Finally.
<3bam
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| sadness of a different sort plagues me today.
Sadness of the sort known as disappointment. I had hoped so dearly for people to at least become aware of their selfishness but instead, they'd rather be indignant and offended simply because thats easier than challenging ones own assumptions. Or maybe its not that simple, well I think it is.
What do you want us to do?!
well here's a thought, just stop saying no to us. Stop giving yourself power over us, and thinking that it's ok. It's not hard, just stop saying no. Saying yes isn't that hard, it's not that big of a commitment, you don't have to be scared of it and my god it's not going to hurt you.
But hey, you can't feel special in today's world without putting someone else in a category that qualifies as less special than your own.
Let's think about that, the power of categorization. If all it takes is labeling someone as powerless to effectively take them out of any position to help themselves, then why is it that its still possible for us to become better people even if we've been labeled as sinners.
People. Suck.
<3bam
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